Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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