omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
