I wish I only lived at night.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
