My sheets look like a crime scene.
it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
Please, let me fuck your mom
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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