But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
My ass is underappreciated
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Randomize
