I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
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