so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Randomize
