She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
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