Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
I can't watch pbs sober anymore
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
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