So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
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