i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
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