guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
