Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
3pm strippers are depressing
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
