Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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