I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
even my farts smell like vagina
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize
