I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
