I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
