So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
