Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Just pee around me
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Randomize
