I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
That's when you crack a 10am beer
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
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