I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
