1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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