I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Randomize
