that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
My vagina is officially offended.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
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