I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
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