How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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