Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
