i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
