I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Randomize
