My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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