i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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