You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
