Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Randomize
