I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Randomize
