i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
