i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
