Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
