I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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