youre lurking in front of me
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
