I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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