cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
