When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
