take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
