My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
