Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
