I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
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