my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Randomize
