Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
