he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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