You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Randomize
