I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
In other news, I just burned my penis
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
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